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When working with a family to define and articulate their shared family values, a best practice is to first invite each family member to share their individual core values. This approach accomplishes a few things. First, it promotes the habit of family members seeking to learn about and understand each other. With our closest family members, it is easy to carry our own presumptions about them and bring them to our interactions. By inviting each family member to share and have a voice, we are avoiding those presumptions and providing the space for everyone to demonstrate how they are learning and growing as individuals. Second, it reinforces within a family culture that individuality is accepted and avoids the perception that everyone needs to be the same to fit in. It provides space to honor everyone as individuals—an important component in a healthy family system.

A recent engagement with a family demonstrated a follow-up benefit to the individual core values conversation among family members: better ongoing communication with each other. As two second-generation family members relayed in a catch-up call, having better understood each family member’s core values has enabled them all to better communicate with each other. By understanding what is important to each of them, they are better able to articulate thoughts and ideas within the context of each person’s values and that has eased communication. One G2 explained that understanding gratitude is their father’s most important value now enables them to share ideas in a way that honors that core value. The other G2 noticed that the way their mother now communicates is more aligned with their values and they feel more supported by her as a result. Everyone acknowledged that these positive, subtle shifts in communication would not have occurred if they had not had the opportunity to share their individual core values in a family meeting.

For families who no longer have an operating family business, philanthropy becomes a meaningful way for families to work together to build cohesion and demonstrate their values. When children or grandchildren have a different opinion on what the philanthropic causes should be, clarifying the values the family shares can be a good place to start. For one family we worked with, this served to define the parameters for their philanthropic strategy. Each focus area that someone wanted to work on was checked against the values the family had decided were most important to them. If it aligned with those values, it was considered a core focus for the family philanthropy. If it did not, it could be supported through the individual family member’s discretionary grants budget. These values also became the basis for their philanthropic mission statement, allowing them to seek out and respond to requests appropriately.

Another family we worked with asked their children to spearhead the agenda for their next family meeting. The G2, G3 and some G4s in this family took part in larger, extended family meetings around philanthropy, but they also wanted to create traditions within their family unit. One of the children stepped up and with input from his siblings, shaped an agenda around their philanthropic impact. He also wanted to demonstrate that they were more than their financial capital and prepared a presentation on their human and intellectual capital. This showcased all that different family members had achieved academically, professionally and through their volunteer service. Taking this approach allowed them to focus on everything they brought to the table that couldn’t be defined in terms of a monetary value. In true inclusive fashion, he also included the “married-ins”—the spouses of his siblings. This is a document that they can revisit, add to and use to remind themselves of how much they have accomplished as a family. This young adult has gone on to take a leadership role within the larger family philanthropy, and now serves as a community representative for the family unit.